Humor

MAVERICK is ingenuous having the quality of being free, noble, honest, and open while a bit feral, wild, dangerous, and unfettered by cultural norms.; he is authentic masculinity; not branded (owned by no one); free roaming (a nomadic or free-spirited person).  By social norms, Jesus of Nazareth was a bit of a MAVERICK.


2017-04-08:  An aged gentleman working at a factory for many years has received his layoff notice just as he was nearing retirement age. His Manager “feathered his hat” and took the cost savings for the company at the expense of the gentleman’s retirement.

Now , the aged gentleman was faced with telling his wife the bad news; after having saved all of his life with her, raised their children with the hope of spending their Golden Years together since High School Sweethearts.

On his way home, he stopped at the local store where for years he always found a dollar to spend on a Lottery Ticket.   Tonight he purchased the same numbers, a combination of birthdays and their anniversary.

With a long face he checked his numbers with last night’s winning numbers as many times in the past. However, as luck would have it, he won the Lottery!  Breaking the news to his wife about the layoff notice would now be much easier.

In his quiet way he applied his Lottery winnings to purchase the business of his former employer; and unknown to any of the employees he now owned the company that laid him off.

During the companies’ Annual Dinner the employees were introduced to the “New Owner”. To everyone’s surprise their friend and former coworker is introduced as the New Owner.

After a short speech about how people will be treated, he asked his former Manager to the stage. The Manager with a large smile approached the stage and received an envelope from the New Owner.

With a firm handshake the New Owner told the Manager he appreciated his long service and would miss him. As the Manager’s smile relaxed the contents of the envelope became apparent to all. “YOU’RE FIRED” was all it said. As you would expect the crowd went wild.

************

Mot: As a man was passing the elephants

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”

The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once before?

Failure is part of learning; we should never give up the struggle in life.


2017-03-12 Traveling through Portola, CA (I-79), stopped to consider renting a Motel room for the night, when I see this:


I have nothing against TV!

I just wish I had a lower IQ so I could enjoy it.


No matter how you count the numbers, it is always $28 for the rent:


An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make some money.  So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations!  You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back . That will be $500.”

Dr. Young leaves angrily after having lost $1000, and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story:

Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer” and remember, don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.


Humor from the Ol’ Man:

  • I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
    People move out of the way much faster now!
  • I didn’t make it to the gym today.
    That makes five years in a row.
  • I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
  • Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
    We haven’t met yet.
  • I don’t need anger management.
    I need people to stop irritating me!
  • When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment…
    Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.
  • My people skills are just fine.
    It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
  • The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please.
    I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”
  • I’m going to retire and live off of my savings.
    Not sure what I’ll do the second week.
  • Even duct tape can’t fix stupid…
    but it can muffle the sound!
  • Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
  • Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

 


more humor coming..

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